Initially this trail of thoughts unravelled about a month ago! So first of all I must ask myself why it has taken so long to find time to write this? Life. Life is busy. Life is messy…Laughing at our neat little plans and lists. Still, life is the ultimate beauty. Not afraid, and with no compromise life is ready to do and undo until we are silently guided back home. Back to child-like curiosity and joy for being here, on this planet, with all these souls.
Sometimes we get lost. I momentarily lost my intention- my re-commital to expression. To my joy of writing and creating. Since I was a child I most comfortably communicated through dance, poetry or letters. Without knowing when; that joy and time to express got lost. Although everything is transient, even being lost. So here I am, momentarily found.
Here is how I got to ask myself why…As I walked to class there was a woman smoking. Sucking on the cigarette as if her life depended on it. Displaying total dependence on this poisonous stick for a sense of relief. This brief encounter triggered the memory of being a smoker, and the satisfaction it used to give…my mind wandered to when I quit realising cigarettes had been a crutch artificially bolstering me up. If I was experiencing any stress or needed a ‘breather’ I would reach for a smoke. Somehow tricked into paying for 5-10 minutes of deeper breathing. Whilst paradoxically reducing my capacity to breath fully. Not only that, but without making a connection that time to breath and create space is what my soul yearned for. Our mind and our body are asking us to slow down and relax, but in this world focused on quick fixes neatly packaged and commodified for instant gratification, our intuition gets swallowed up.
Ask yourself why? Why reach for that *fill in the blank*
Utterly nonsensical…The prescribed and packaged may offer a quick fix but the price will not simply be financial. This is not managing stress, this is not expressing issues, communicating fears, or trying to solve problems. Reaching mindlessly slowly suffocates our ability to understand what is really happening. Numbing down those lows may seem easier but why are we de-sensitising our emotion, our ability to be expressive beings. Our ability to feel our way through life?
Here is the confession…A week after passing the lady I found myself in a shop reaching for a big bag of kettle chips and a bottle of wine. Telling myself I deserved it after a terrible day at the office. As I sat down with a glass of wine and dipped my hand into the bag my eyes were busy reading Colette’s poetic words all about resourcing yourself. Reminding me that these patterns that may be seen in a smoker, can also be seen in me. I no longer reach for a smoke, but I do often tell myself I deserve a less-than-nutirious meal and a few glasses of wine after a tough day. Again I chose to reach for a fix to numb my senses, take that edge off.
Obviously we are all humans and occasionally being kind to yourself involves ahimsa (non-violence). But again, just ask yourself why? Reconnect with your rhyme and reason. Why is this your go to? Is there a pattern here? Does this decision come from a place of mindful or mindlessness? Become more aware of your habits, because it is only through awareness we can begin to change, if we so wish.